This is necessary.

Some things are just necessary. Take my glasses - very important. Without them, my whole world shuts down. Tonight (Friday, as i write this), my 6 or 7 year old frames broke while i was cleaning them. In half. Right between the eyes. My guess is, after so many years, they have become brittle and weakened.

This is when i discovered that the super glue i finally found after searching for 45 minutes (couldn't see, remember) was not so "super". In fact, i'd liken it more to"crazy" glue, as it's in line with the quote about the definition of insanity being doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results. i tried at least 5 times to make the two pieces adhere, and no go. i then deemed the glue to be a word i won't repeat here and moved on to tape. This did not prove as easy a task as it would at first appear. Apparently, this job is easier if you can see, or if you have at least 3 hands, maybe 4.

And yes, at some point in my frustration, i realized the comical aspect of this entire scenario, but i was pissed, so i didn't laugh. i told myself i could laugh it up when i could see again.

See how necessary? Forget everything else i couldn't do without my glasses, like drive, walk down the street, cook...well, i might be able to cook, but i don't want to set the house on fire, either. But forget all that. Without my glasses, i couldn't even laugh. Of course, i should be blaming the frustration for that, i guess.

Where was i? (This is why people probably hate it when i call. i can't just tell you a brief summary. I want to give every detail, for the full effect.) Yes, necessary. i depend on my glasses every day. The very first thing i do every morning is put them on. They are essential to every part of my life, always there, but kind of in the background. You take them for granted until, like tonight, you lose the use of them. Now what? It's like someone turned the power off. i can see, but it's all fuzzy shapes with no distinction. i can see well enough to move about my house, but not well enough to do much otherwise.

This made me think of other aspects of my life that are necessary but maybe sometimes taken for granted. Obviously food, water, air, shelter. Aside from that, though. What else, having taken it away, would make my world shut down, in an instant like that? The answer is my family, and that includes some dear friends, not just blood. First and foremost would be my son. Take my son out of the picture, and my world would come to a crashing halt.

i try to tell the loved ones in my life how i feel about them as often as i can, but maybe it wouldn't hurt to tell them even more. There are other necessities in my life, but none, that i can see, as important as them. They give me strength, bring me joy, make me laugh, lend a helping hand, give me guidance and advice, and so, so much more. To be content, it is necessary to have them in my life, and the love and true friendship they give.

Oh, and by the way, my glasses are semi-repaired. Presently, they are taped but crooked, so everything looks like it's coming at me; my depth perception is all off. Being unable to drive means i can't attempt a crusade for truly super glue, awesome glue or even super-fantabulous-and-amazing-best-ever-fucking-buy-it-now glue, so i'll have to wait until my better half comes home from work and can assist. When he does, i'll be sure to hug him tight and tell him how much i love him, for he is very, very necessary.

These photos were taken during my walk about my yard this (Friday) morning, prior to my glasses breaking.

M is for Mom.

Mom, a photo by bluemama on Flickr.
My mom at 10 years old.

i am very close to my mom; we talk on the phone almost every day. Not surprisingly, a lot of who i am is thanks to her. She's an amazing woman - strong, passionate, generous, funny, creative... She built a deck behind her house a couple of years ago - she was 62 at the time. In fact, when my brothers and i were kids, we knew when you heard power tools amping up at 6 am, it wasn't dad, it was mom.

My mom has had her share of challenges in life - one being put into Catholic boarding school at age 8 - but those challenges made her strong, and i don't know anyone who can get one over on my mom. She'll fight tooth and nail for those she loves, too. i remember once, as i was in the midst of chemo at age 15, we went to the mall. i had forgone the wig i had been wearing (it was itchy and uncomfortable, and to me, looked ridiculous) and had decided to no longer hide my baldness. As we walked through the entrance, another customer stopped, turned and blatantly stared at me. My mom reacted instantly by saying, "Why don't you take a picture? It lasts longer."

i had both my parents full support while going through chemo, but as my parents were divorced and i lived with mom at the time, she was the one who took me to every appointment and treatment. She'd brag to the other nurses and patients how strong she thought i was, how i never complained about all the sticking and poking and sickness. (i never thought myself strong at that time, just felt i was doing what i had to; i was sort of in a numbed daze most of the time.) She was the one who took care of my daily needs through all of that, and i can never thank her enough for the selflessness she showed me, when certainly she was going through a difficult time herself, with her oldest child having cancer.

My mom has had many adventures, too. Her and my dad lived in a schoolbus for part of the 60's, moving between San Francisco and Washington state, and before that, sans schoolbus, Alaska. My mom was born in New York City, yet at 18 (sorry if i'm off on the age a little, mom) she moved to Wrangell, Alaska, a very small town at the time where all supplies had to be flown in. She may have been a city girl, but she baked, crocheted, fished, all of it, and wasn't afraid to get dirty. 

i greatly admire my mom's strength of will, her refusal to be pushed around, her generous and giving nature, and so much more. At 64, my mom has more life and vibrancy than many 25 year olds i know. And she looks fantastic; i swear, barely a wrinkle, if any. She could easily pass for 45. Good news for me!

Mom, i love you more than i can ever say, but hopefully you know.

L is for language.

Words can be beautiful. i often talk about crossing over from mostly being a writer to a visual artist, but obviously, as evidenced by my blog, i do still write. For the past several years, i have seen a disturbing trend grow and gain momentum, and it saddens me.

It appears that language is being eroded, word by word, syllable by syllable, and replaced with text speak or the usage of unknowingly innacurate words. i don't claim to be a genius, and i myself could stand to learn many, many more words than i utilise currently, but rarely will you see me throw out an "lol" or an "omg". i don't intend to put down anyone who uses those abbreviations, but when they filter into speech or every bit of writing someone produces, i die a little inside.

Several months ago, i saw a commercial about an effort to save the English language, one word at a time. The movement's members were to each "adopt a word" that they agreed to keep from falling out of use. i'm still not sure if it was a joke or an actual attempt to keep less often used words alive, and i applaud their efforts if it is indeed for real, but i find it concerning that this is even necessary.

Have you seen the movie Idiocracy? The very first time i watched it, ofcourse i laughed, it's funny, but i also felt a little sick at the thought that i could almost see those very things playing out in the real world; i could see the path we're on gradually leading us to a world where everything is a billboard for advertisers (including people's names), where there was an entire channel devoted to videos of men getting kicked in the crotch and where a person's worth is based almost solely on sex appeal. It's far-fetched, i know, but parts of that movie are not so far out of the realm of possibility if things keep going the way they are.

Anyone who watches even a smattering of television anymore can see the dumbing down that is taking place. The clever, quirky and intelligent shows are often canceled, while reality tv - i'm thinking of stuff like The Bachelor and Jersey Shore here - prevails. i've never seen the Jersey Shore, but i don't need to see it to get the idea. i'm not saying i don't watch some less-than-breakthrough television, but when the most popular shows involve cat fights and nearly every scene contains a hot tub, i have cause to be alarmed. Entertainment is one thing - i can watch even the stupidest movie and still be entertained (watch The Room, seriously - it's so bad, it's good, as in, hilarious) - but the ratings that these shows draw in turn makes tv executives continue with the same mind-numbing crap, week after week, until the only thing on is...well, shows focused on a kick in the balls. As the audience, we should demand better. Really, they're only giving us what they think we want, or maybe what they want us to want? Ok, conspiracy theories aside, there would be a signifigant gain by the powers that be in the dumbing down of its citizens. The less informed and intelligent we are, the easier we are to control.

Even more frightening, many people don't read anymore, and don't deem it a priority that their children do. i have always loved a good book, and while the raising of my son, daily chores and even making art means i read less than i used to, i still try to fit a book in when i can. i began reading to my son when he was only a few months old, and while i try not to put any expectations on him, i did hope he would be a book lover, and i'm thrilled to say he is. Sure, he still plays video games and watches tv, but for him, a trip to the library always elicits excitement, and he almost never comes away from the outing with less than a stack of 10 or more books. i never really "baby talked" to him, and that coupled with his love of reading has led to him having a broader vocabulary than most children his age. He'll often toss a "big word" into his every day speach, as if it were nothing. i love that, and it warms this mother's heart. On the flip side, he has relentlessly been made fun of at school for different reasons, one being reading. As the other children played kick ball during recess, he enjoyed sitting under a tree with a good book, and he was teased to the point of feeling embarassed to be seen reading, so he stopped doing it in front of them. And that's really sad. Yes, children tease each other for all kinds of reasons, and yes, he needs to find that place inside him where he feels comfortable being himself, regardless of their reactions, but still, it makes me sad that the other children see reading for enjoyment alone to be weird or questionable behavior.

There is a way to turn the tide. Our technology has made leaps and bounds in just the last 10 years alone, and the internet can be a wonderful tool, but letting the machines think for us can also be dangerous. We can make good use of the internet and television by discovering and learning about other cultures and staying updated on world events, and even by laughing at witty and clever sitcoms, but they can also form a wall between us, until we're all staring into screens instead of into each other's eyes.

Help keep language alive. Go to the library, it's free, and will only cost you time, but it's time very well spent. Encourage your children to read, or read to them. Show them what a truly great story can be. Help them learn about a country or culture they may have never even heard of. Take time yourself to learn a new word every day - make it a personal challenge. And once you learn those words, it's use them or lose them. i'm guilty of that myself; i've forgotten many words i learned long ago, simply because i never applied them to my speech. And if we all do that, if we all forget and don't apply them anymore, what happens to language? Does it become an antiquated notion? Will we be reduced to mumbling lol speak to each other? i, for one, certainly hope not.

Are you going to throw that away?!

K is for keep. As a mixed media artist, i can find a use for the most random, seemingly unusable items. My family has gotten used to this over the years, and has been enabling me as well, almost always checking with me first before throwing away little scraps of paper or a broken toy or some such tidbit most would toss in the trash and then get it on with their day.

Awhile back, i taught my brother a new word - ephemera. What a great word, not only its meaning, but the sound of saying it. Go on, try it. Ephemera.

ephemera

1: something of no lasting significance —usually used in plural

2 ephemera plural : paper items (as posters, broadsides, and tickets) that were originally meant to be discarded after use but have since become collectibles

 

Essentially, i keep many things most consider trash. Vintage ephemera is even better, and rarer. i find such beauty in old advertisements, labels from bottles, ticket stubs, and so on, and all these things can be added to my work. In this way, i am reusing items destined for the landfill, and making something more lasting and beautiful out of them. Even the stickers you peel off fruits and veggies are fair game.

 

A drawer of scraps from past projects, including the transfer from a praying mantis soft block carving i recently did. i'm outgrowing my drawer, and that's after cleaning it out last year and attempting to organize it into a couple binders. Yes, i said i put "trash" in binders; what of it?

 

The only problem with the need to keep such things is that eventually, you have a lot of it, and it needs a home. This is why, right now, my studio is a bit of a mess. i'm a great organizer, but have yet to tackle this growing mountain of materials and trinkets. i intend to fix this situation sooner rather than later, because as wonderful as it is to have so many materials on hand, it's a nightmare sorting through boxes and drawers and not finding the one thing you're looking for, or even worse, not even knowing what you have in the first place.

 

See that butterfly on the bottom left? Yeah...i've been toting that around, from one abode to another, for years...but someday, i will need it, i guarantee.

 

i walk a fine line between "collector" and "hoarder", so i have to be careful. Sometimes i do filter through the piles of stuff and give things away, or sometimes, toss something, if i see that it really can't be used for anything at all, but the latter almost never happens. i always ask myself, Well, what if 5 years from now i'm working on a project and need this very thing? What if nothing else will work for the piece but this? Many items have been saved and never used because i love them so much, no project is good enough for them. It's maybe a little crazy, this need to have but not use, but i'm an artist, so crazy kind of comes with the territory, does it not?

 

Far be it for me to encourage anyone to start saving every bit of trash they come across - some things are indeed garbage - but think outside the box (har, har) the next time you're holding the empty box your favorite tea comes in. Now wouldn't that make a nice little mini-notebook cover? Or maybe a repurposed greeting card? And if you just can't find a use for it, send it to me, and i'll give it a home.

 

 

Just the facts, ma'am.

i had intended J to be about journals, but i've written about journaling several times, and don't really see the point in repeating myself (though i am very good at it) or boring my readers to tears, so instead, J is for me, Jessica. How about a few random facts about yours truly?

1. i had the great fortune to be able to travel a lot in my teens and early 20's, thanks to my dad's job at United Airlines. By 16 years old, i'd been to nearly every state, including Alaska and Hawaii, and made trips to England and New Zealand. These early-in-life travels helped shape me to be the person i am today, and gave me a perspective i might not have had otherwise.

2. i have driven across the country 4 times, and hope there's another such road trip in my future.

3. i'm a cancer survivor.

4. i graduated from high school, but opted not to attend my graduation. Instead, i asked to work that day, which my employers loved, because much of their help was attending graduation. i kind of regret that decision now...

5. i gave birth to my son without the benefit of any pain medication. i don't recommend it.

6. i met my mate when i was 15 through a pen pal ad in a music magazine. We started as friends, but eventually became involved, and are still going strong today, 18 years later.

7. i love history, and for many years planned to become an archeologist. In high school, i'd go to history class early just so i could talk about the subject with the teacher.

8. My mom chose my name before she even knew she was having a girl - the same happened with my two brothers, and she was right about the sex every time.

9. i have a secret (not a secret now) desire to be a singer, though my abilities aren't proficient in that area. It doesn't stop me from singing all the time, though.

10. i don't know how to swim.

Well, not an exciting post today, but hopefully it gives my readers a little background into me as a person. And now, the studio calls...

I is for idle.

Those that know me even fairly well know that the word "idle" almost never applies to me; hell, even when i'm sleeping, i'm tossing and turning, or talking in my sleep, or grinding my teeth... The things most people consider the stuff they need to get done so that they are then able to relax are what i do to relax, sort of.

i'm happiest when i have several projects going at once. Making art or gardening or cooking (unless it's a frenzied feast i'm fixing, with hungry people standing around asking, "Is it done yet?") are my meditations, my means of relaxation. i'm a frenzied bundle of energy most days (just ask my family), running around the house doing chores inbetween working in the studio. i do enjoy sitting quietly sometimes, maybe reading a book or watching a movie, but i have this need to accomplish as much as i can in a day. i want to fill my days with as much as possible, maybe because i have this fear that someday i'll look back and cringe at all the time i "wasted". To me, wasting my days is sitting for countless hours in front of the tv. At the end of everyday, i like to see the physical results of my time invested. i want to eat a great meal, or see a stack of handmade cards, ready to mail, or look over a finished canvas. Then, i can try my hand at the kind of relaxing most people do, maybe watch a show with my man or play a game of Rummy as we talk in bed.

i encourage relaxation of almost any kind - our days are hectic and busy, most of the time - but i also encourage action. The feeling of satisfaction you can get from a job well done makes the relaxation even more enjoyable, and having earned that relaxation time makes it all the sweeter.

And now i'm off to run errands, mail some cards, wash dishes and work in the studio.

H is for Henry...

...Miller, that is. One of my favorite writers. i could talk about him, but i'll just let him speak for himself:

To work a radical transformation all that was required, as we saw it, was to put into practice the simple injunction: "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you." No beliefs, no worship, no ten commandments, no ceremonials, no churches, no organization of any kind. No waiting for a better government, better laws, better working conditions, better this, better that. Begin this moment, wherever you find yourself, and take no thought of the morrow.

Today is like all other days. There is only today.

Death is not the end of life, much less the goal. It is but another aspect of life. There is nothing but life, even among the dead.

And so, regardless of their heroic behavior, regardless of their sublime motives, I have come to regard such activity as indefensible. Even from the purest of motives one has not the right to "molest" another. The effort to bring a man to God, or to bring him enlightenment, is an act of violation. It is even more reprehensible than to subjugate him bodily. Does not the whole art of living center about the practice of tolerance, of noninterference? Before it is possible to love one another, as we are so often enjoined, it is necessary to respect one another, respect the privacy of the soul.

What we learn, of value, we get indirectly, largely unconsciously. It is too often stressed, in my opinion, that we learn through sorrow and suffering. I do not deny this to be true, but I hold that we also learn, and perhaps more lastingly, through moments of joy, of bliss, of ecstasy. Struggle has its importance, but we tend to overrate it. Harmony, serenity, bliss do not come from struggle but from surrender.

We are getting nowhere, because (metaphysically speaking) there is nowhere to go. We are already there, have been since eternity.

...the real escapist is the man who adapts himself to a world he does not subscribe to.

Here in America, to be "different" is almost tantamount to being a traitor.

This is the only reality there is. If you can get it down on paper, in words, notes, or color, so much the better. The great artists don't even bother to put it down on paper: they live with it silently, they become it.

All of the above excerpts come from his book Stand Still Like the Hummingbird. These were sections i had highlighted when i first read it, back when i was a teenager. i had intended to go through many of his books, quoting my favorite parts, but that may take all day. Really, i encourage everyone reading to search out his books, in particular this one, and also Big Sur and the Oranges of Hieronymus Bosch, The Air-Conditioned Nightmare and The Wisdom of the Heart.